Right-winger arrested for masturbating on a plane

by Ben Hoffman

A Florida man faces a $5,000 fine after he allegedly masturbated on a United Airlines flight late last week while shocked passengers looked on in disbelief.

According to reports, 25-year-old Kyle Pierce was taken into custody shortly after United Airlines Flight 340 touched down in Denver on May 19. The flight flew in from Spokane, Washington.

A teenage passenger sitting next to Pierce first alerted flight attendants after she witnessed the unsettling scene unfold before her eyes.

“I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” the 18-year-old woman told investigators, according to the criminal complaint. “He was holding up a picture of Ronald Reagan with one hand and masturbating with his other. His penis was very small.”

Studies have shown that right-wingers have smaller than average penises.

Pierce was taken into custody immediately after landing.

“I was flipping through a magazine and came across an article on Ronald Reagan,” Pierce explained. “They had a picture of him wearing a cowboy hat. I just couldn’t help myself.”

Right-wingers around the country rallied to his defense. Several groups have organized a “Free Kyle” campaign and are expected to protest at some of the Memorial Day celebrations.

Note: This post is a parody.

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2 Comments to “Right-winger arrested for masturbating on a plane”

  1. “Studies have shown that right-wingers have smaller than average penises.”

    Really? Because I’m a right-winger and your wife told me the opposite.

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