Archive for May, 2009

May 8, 2009

Coward Sean Hannity Attacks Obama’s Choice of Condiment

by Ben Hoffman

Sean Hannity, who recently said he’d be water-boarded for charity but then chickened out, is currently whining about Barack Obama’s choice of condiment. Obama ordered a hamburger and asked for fancy Dijon mustard on it! What kind of American puts mustard on a hamburger?!! That’s like putting ketsup on a hot dog! Is that what Muslims do, Mr. elitist president? Unbelievable.

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May 4, 2009

Award for biggest ego in history

by Ben Hoffman

There have been some big egos throughout history: Donald Trump, Saddam Hussein, Pope John Paul II, George W. Bush… but one man had the biggest ego of all time. Here’s a clue. This is what he said to his followers:

If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.

Man, that’s like saying, “if you don’t think I’m the greatest person of all time, you’re going to go to hell.” Who was that conceited, self-centered, narcissistic dickhead? Yep, that’s Jesus — son-of-a-virgin, riser from the dead. Man, what an egomaniac! And people obeyed him! I guess that’s why they’re called the flock. Maybe that’s the real reason the Romans killed him. People with huge egos can be really annoying.

May 4, 2009

Obama to name left-wing equivalent of Scalia to SCOTUS

by Ben Hoffman

This is a Drudge Retort exclusive! Barack Obama spoke recently of the planned retirement of David Souter and the need to balance the Supreme Court with a left-wing equivalent of Antonin Scalia.

“Scalia has tilted the Supreme Court so far to the right, along with the other right-wing-nut-job judges, that I have no choice but to appoint a liberal judge when Souter retires,” Obama said. “Even if I could appoint Fidel Castro, the courts would still tilt to the right!”

Obama has narrowed his list to five candidates: Jesse Jackson, Bill Ayers, Noam Chomsky, Ward Churchill, Hillary Clinton.

May 1, 2009

National Council for a New America (or you really can fool some of the people all of the time)

by Ben Hoffman

Who says the Republicans have no ideas other than “no?” Republicans have the REAL solutions for America and they’re defining those solutions with their new organization called the National Council for a New America.

The National Council for a New America will engage with and empower the American people to develop innovative solutions that meet the serious challenges confronting our country. It is the right time to begin a thoughtful conversation about the future of this country.

A Blueprint for our Conversation with America

  • Economy: Real Solutions for Economic Recovery

    While Democrats have been formulating their elitist economic recovery strategies with their “ideas,” Republicans also have a plan. Tax cuts. Cutting taxes, especially for the wealthy, will stimulate the economy. After all, if the wealthy have more money, they’ll hire more people. (Those people might be in China or India, but hey… it’s a world economy.)

  • Healthcare: Building a 21st Century, Patient-Centered System

    Tax cuts. If we cut taxes, people will be happier and healthier. They’ll also have more money to buy their own insurance, just as soon as they find jobs.

  • Education: Preparing Our Children to Succeed

    Obviously, we need to cut taxes on children. For too long, children have been overburdened with taxes, which has made it difficult for them to study because they’re preoccupied with having to pay taxes.

    [edit: Children don’t pay taxes. We need to cut taxes on their parents incomes and for the oil companies]

  • Energy: Solutions for Energy Independence

    Democrats have caused our energy crisis by their oppressive taxes. If we cut taxes on oil companies, they’ll have more money for exploration and will solve our energy problems. Oil company executives should also received tax cuts so they will be happier and will hire more people, which will help our economy.

  • National Security: Defending American Liberty and Freedom

    We’ve been at war with the same two countries for over six years. It’s time for change. The Republican party will find innovative ways to rationalize the invasions of other countries that are not a threat to us. This will keep America safe and will provide jobs to military contractors that we will cut taxes on.

Our National Panel of Experts:

Governor Haley Barbour: “Democrats will be reincarnated as watermelons and placed at the mercy of blacks.”

Governor Jeb Bush: “You can’t go wrong with a guy named Jeb! And don’t forget… I’m not George!”

Governor Bobby Jindal: “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor, Would you be mine? Could you be mine?”

Senator John McCain: “We still need to find out what Obama hasn’t told us about Rev. Wright.”

Governor Mitt Romney: “With help from my wives, we will create a New America!”