A Florida man faces a $5,000 fine after he allegedly masturbated on a United Airlines flight late last week while shocked passengers looked on in disbelief.
According to reports, 25-year-old Kyle Pierce was taken into custody shortly after United Airlines Flight 340 touched down in Denver on May 19. The flight flew in from Spokane, Washington.
A teenage passenger sitting next to Pierce first alerted flight attendants after she witnessed the unsettling scene unfold before her eyes.
“I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” the 18-year-old woman told investigators, according to the criminal complaint. “He was holding up a picture of Ronald Reagan with one hand and masturbating with his other. His penis was very small.”
Studies have shown that right-wingers have smaller than average penises.
Pierce was taken into custody immediately after landing.
“I was flipping through a magazine and came across an article on Ronald Reagan,” Pierce explained. “They had a picture of him wearing a cowboy hat. I just couldn’t help myself.”
Right-wingers around the country rallied to his defense. Several groups have organized a “Free Kyle” campaign and are expected to protest at some of the Memorial Day celebrations.
Note: This post is a parody.
DRUDGE RETORT 