Archive for ‘Humor’

March 1, 2012

Andrew Brietbart, Republican Shill, Dead

by Ben Hoffman

And in other news…

December 28, 2011

Breaking News – Kim Jong Il Still Dead

by Ben Hoffman

Shedding crocodile tears for the dead dictator

Kim Jong Il’s passed on! This dictator is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life! He’s pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket, He’s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-DICTATOR!!!

Okay, now let’s all shed some crocodile tears for the dead dictator.

December 27, 2011

A Cow Based Economics Lesson

by Ben Hoffman

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


They forgot one…

You have two cows.
The large U.S. milk corporations send its cows to China to be milked by slave wage workers.
You can’t compete, so you go out of business and get a job at Walmart.
Many people get sick and die after drinking Chinese milk contaminated with lead.

December 13, 2011

Obama Proud of His Speech

by Ben Hoffman

December 13, 2011

Obama Fed Up After Giving in to Republican Demands

by Ben Hoffman

December 4, 2011

Herman Cain Explains Why He Suspended His Campaign

by Ben Hoffman
November 26, 2011

George Carlin Talks About Reagan and the Republicans

by Ben Hoffman

It’s no wonder right-wingers are so angry. They don’t have any comedians on their side (any funny ones, anyway). Their music sucks. They don’t like science because it doesn’t fit their ideology. They have to rewrite history to make it fit their world view. They lie to criticize Democrats and lie to defend Republicans.

Right-wingers are pathetic excuses for human beings, which is why they need religion to provide some comfort that if they believe in some mythological supernatural being, they’ll go to some imaginary place when they die.

November 25, 2011

Space Alien Meets With Newt Gingrich!!!

by Ben Hoffman

The alien is believed to be here illegally, yet Gingrich is meeting with him and there is no record of him going to the authorities. It’s just a preview of what’s to come if Newt becomes our next president.

November 24, 2011

David Letterman: Top Ten Signs You Had A Bad Thanksgiving

by Ben Hoffman

Top Ten Signs You Had A Bad Thanksgiving
10.”You ran out of booze by 11 a.m.”
9.”Most frequently used word at dinner: Heimlich”
8.”Meal was leftovers from last Thanksgiving”
7.”Thanks to new electric knife, kids fought over wishbone and your severed thumb”
6.”The ‘turkey’ was wearing a dog collar”
5.”Spent day in Times Square waiting for the giant turkey to drop”
4.”Woke up from tryptophan-induced sleep to find yourself naked in the driveway”
3.”When dinner came out, so did your son”
2.”Laura and the twins lock you out”
1.”Your turkey dinner was the only breast you’ve touched all year”

November 21, 2011

Paul Krugman: Newt Gingrich Is ‘A Stupid Man’s Idea Of What A Smart Person Sounds Like’

by Ben Hoffman

On This Week with Christiane Amanpour, New York Times columnist Paul Krugman gave his two cents about why Republican support is beginning to coalesce around Newt Gingrich, with a snarky barb thrown in for good measure. “It was his time, the Republican base doesn’t want Romney and they keep looking for an alternative, and Newt — although somebody said ‘he’s a stupid man’s idea of what a smart person sounds like,’ but he is more plausible than the other guys they’ve been pushing up.”

Read more…

Paul Krugman is a Republican’s worst nightmare: a liberal who knows how to throw a punch. 🙂

November 19, 2011

GOP: “The Stupid Party”

by Ben Hoffman

When Rick Perry’s brain froze at last Wednesday’s GOP debate—leaving him unable to name the third of three federal departments he proposes to shut down—it wasn’t like someone setting up a joke and then forgetting the punchline. He was reciting something straight out of his standard stump speech: shutter the Departments of Education, Commerce, and Energy. I know that Meat Loaf says two out of three ain’t bad, but in this case it was disastrous.

How did we devolve to the point where a leading Republican candidate for the presidency can’t count to three? Whatever happened to conservative intellectuals?

John Stuart Mill famously dismissed mid-19th-century British conservatives as the “stupid party.” But in the America of my youth, it wasn’t true. Conservatives looked up to intellectuals. William F. Buckley set the tone with his sesquipedalian erudition. George F. Will was a must-read, and my conservative classmates at the University of Texas in the Age of Reagan could all quote Milton Friedman.

No more. Today’s conservatives are more likely to mimic Rush Limbaugh than Buckley, and they probably know more of the work of Salma Hayek than Friedrich Hayek. To be sure, Will still commands respect, and intellectuals like David Frum and Bill Kristol carry the torch ably. But today’s Republican Party is more the party of Sarah Palin’s defiant know-nothingness than the brainy conservatism of Bill Bennett. The GOP is a party of ideologues, not ideas.


November 7, 2011

Cain is Toast

by Ben Hoffman

A woman named Sharon Bialek, flanked by attorney Gloria Allred, said at a news conference Monday that the presidential candidate reached under her skirt and tried to push her head toward his crotch in a parked car in 1997. Bialek is a former staffer of the National Restaurant Association who says she was seeking to regain her job.

According to Bialek, the two were having dinner when Cain informed her that he had upgraded her hotel room to what she described as a “palatial suite.” When she mentioned her boyfriend and said she wanted “my job back,” Cain said he would “look into that,” Bialik said.

While driving back from dinner, Cain said he would show her the restaurant association’s offices and parked down the block. Then, according to Bialek, he slid his hand “under my skirt and reached for my genitals. He also grabbed my head and brought it toward his crotch.”

When she protested, mentioning her boyfriend, Bialek says Cain replied: “You want a job, right?”

Read more + video

Herman Cain will undoubtedly wind up with his own show on Fox “news,” just like others who have been disgraced.

November 5, 2011

Andy Rooney Passes Away

by Ben Hoffman
October 23, 2011

Occupy Wall Street Protesters are Pitting Americans Against Americans!!!

by Ben Hoffman

October 13, 2011

Deficit Attention Disorder

by Ben Hoffman