Posts tagged ‘Paul Ryan’

June 1, 2011

Republicans Call On Obama To Show Some Leadership And Do It Their Way

by Ben Hoffman

“We are willing to work with Obama and the Democrats if they will just agree to do it our way,” said Paul Ryan (R-Wi) in reference to the debt ceiling debate.

“Let’s look at the difference in records,” he continued. “We had budget surpluses and a healthy economy under the Bush administration. Because of the policies of Barack Obama and the Democrats, the economy collapsed and the federal debt exploded. Obviously, their policies don’t work.”

Paul Ryan then swallowed another pill of unknown content, but it was suspected of being a strong halucinigetic.

The Paul Ryan plan will cut government spending, which will inevitably result in massive layoffs, take money out of the economy, and increase payouts for unemployment benefits.

To compensate, Republicans will cut payouts for unemployment benefits. They will also make it illegal to be unemployed, which will stimulate hiring at in the Prison Industrial Complex (PIC), since the unemployed will be imprisoned.

“It’s a win-win for everyone,” Ryan said. “The lazy unemployed will have free room and board in our prisons. Private prisons will thrive, which will stimulate our economy.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said that he has instructed his members to hold steady on preserving the Bush tax cuts for the middle class and more affluent taxpayers, saying “it’s counterintuitive to believe you’re going to raise taxes on certain entities and individuals you’re expecting to create jobs.”

Eric Cantor is a big proponent of Reaganomics or “trickle-down” economics. The theory goes: if you cut taxes for the wealthy, out of the goodness of their hearts, they will create jobs, even if they don’t need to hire anyone and even if they can get cheaper labor in China.

Cantor was suspected of taking the same medication as Ryan.

Note: This post is a parody.