Posts tagged ‘god’

April 18, 2010

Pope Finds Words Of God Boring – Falls Asleep

by Ben Hoffman

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

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He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.

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In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.

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And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.”

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And when the guy sitting next to the Pope in an equally silly outfit told him to wake up, Pope Benedict XVI flung his arm out and yelled “Heil Hitler!”

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December 25, 2009

Russian Mafiya Hacks Santa’s GPS: Gifts Delivered To Jews

by Ben Hoffman

In perhaps their most vile act of sabotage to date, Russian programmers hacked into Santa Claus’ GPS navigation system and altered his delivery list, toggling addresses from false to true. While some of those excluded from delivery were merely those deemed “naughty” (as apposed to nice), the bulk of those whose status was altered were Jews.

As a result of the hacking, 100s of thousands of gifts were mistakenly delivered to the homes of Jews. Jews have been banned from receiving gifts from Santa Claus on Christmas day for centuries. Today’s breach of protocol has shocked the Catholic church especially. At the Pope’s concert at the Vatican last night, a woman, in a fit of panic over the incident, jumped over a barricade and lunged at the Pope, knocking him over. The woman, identified as Susanna Maiolo, had been a Pope fan for several years and was seated in the front row.

The Pope, who is usually calm and composed, lost his temper and hollered “You stupid bitch!” As security wrestled Maiolo away, the Pope kicked her leg, just above the ankle, and threw his cross at her. He then raised his right arm and barked “Heil Hitler!” Quickly composing himself, bystanders claim to have heard him utter “oops” as he placed his fingers over his lips.

This is a breaking story and we’ll have updates as the story unfolds.