Posts tagged ‘Eric Cantor’

June 1, 2011

Republicans Call On Obama To Show Some Leadership And Do It Their Way

by Ben Hoffman

“We are willing to work with Obama and the Democrats if they will just agree to do it our way,” said Paul Ryan (R-Wi) in reference to the debt ceiling debate.

“Let’s look at the difference in records,” he continued. “We had budget surpluses and a healthy economy under the Bush administration. Because of the policies of Barack Obama and the Democrats, the economy collapsed and the federal debt exploded. Obviously, their policies don’t work.”

Paul Ryan then swallowed another pill of unknown content, but it was suspected of being a strong halucinigetic.

The Paul Ryan plan will cut government spending, which will inevitably result in massive layoffs, take money out of the economy, and increase payouts for unemployment benefits.

To compensate, Republicans will cut payouts for unemployment benefits. They will also make it illegal to be unemployed, which will stimulate hiring at in the Prison Industrial Complex (PIC), since the unemployed will be imprisoned.

“It’s a win-win for everyone,” Ryan said. “The lazy unemployed will have free room and board in our prisons. Private prisons will thrive, which will stimulate our economy.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said that he has instructed his members to hold steady on preserving the Bush tax cuts for the middle class and more affluent taxpayers, saying “it’s counterintuitive to believe you’re going to raise taxes on certain entities and individuals you’re expecting to create jobs.”

Eric Cantor is a big proponent of Reaganomics or “trickle-down” economics. The theory goes: if you cut taxes for the wealthy, out of the goodness of their hearts, they will create jobs, even if they don’t need to hire anyone and even if they can get cheaper labor in China.

Cantor was suspected of taking the same medication as Ryan.

Note: This post is a parody.

May 30, 2011

Eric Cantor: “Help for Tornado Victims Needs to be Balanced With Tax Cuts for the Wealthy”

by Ben Hoffman

On Sunday, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) reiterated his position that disaster relief funds for the tornado victims in Joplin, Missouri must be balanced with tax cuts for the wealthy,” Cantor said on CBS’ Face the Nation.

“We live in a country where everyone is equal,” Cantor said. “We are all going through tough times and we should not be singling out people just because their lives have been decimated by an act of nature. If we’re going to hand over 100s of thousands of dollars to tornado victims, that needs to be offset by more tax cuts for the wealthy. It’s only fair.”

The House Republican leader is the first to push for tax cuts for the wealthy as a stimulation for aid related to the disaster that has already claimed over 100 lives. Democrats slammed the Republican leader, saying it amounted to “ransom.”

Rep. Billy Long, who represents the district impacted by the disaster, said Tuesday that he is pushing for federal emergency funding.

“Shock and disbelief best describe the reports from those fortunate enough to have survived the tornado in Joplin,” Mr. Long said in statement after touring the disaster area. “It is comforting to see the strong response from our local, state, and federal authorities and to see the surrounding communities come together and offer assistance during this difficult time.”

Right-wingers responded to Long’s comments with claims of “socialism” and warnings of “big government.”

“It’s time we got rid of the nanny-state,” ranted one right-winger who wasn’t affected by the tornadoes.

Note: This post is a parody.