Posts tagged ‘christmas’

December 23, 2011

Linus and Lucy – Vince Guaraldi

by Ben Hoffman

Religion is horrible for politics and government policy, but it has been the inspiration for a lot of great music and art. That’s because religion appeals to a person’s emotions, as does good art. Conservative politics also appeal to people’s emotions, but for the wrong reasons. While people like Herman Cain, Rick Perry, George W. Bush, Michelle Bachmann, and the rest of the nut jobs provide fodder for comedians and are a source of entertainment, when they get elected, it’s not so funny. Hitler was also a laughing stock until he got into power.

December 25, 2009

Russian Mafiya Hacks Santa’s GPS: Gifts Delivered To Jews

by Ben Hoffman

In perhaps their most vile act of sabotage to date, Russian programmers hacked into Santa Claus’ GPS navigation system and altered his delivery list, toggling addresses from false to true. While some of those excluded from delivery were merely those deemed “naughty” (as apposed to nice), the bulk of those whose status was altered were Jews.

As a result of the hacking, 100s of thousands of gifts were mistakenly delivered to the homes of Jews. Jews have been banned from receiving gifts from Santa Claus on Christmas day for centuries. Today’s breach of protocol has shocked the Catholic church especially. At the Pope’s concert at the Vatican last night, a woman, in a fit of panic over the incident, jumped over a barricade and lunged at the Pope, knocking him over. The woman, identified as Susanna Maiolo, had been a Pope fan for several years and was seated in the front row.

The Pope, who is usually calm and composed, lost his temper and hollered “You stupid bitch!” As security wrestled Maiolo away, the Pope kicked her leg, just above the ankle, and threw his cross at her. He then raised his right arm and barked “Heil Hitler!” Quickly composing himself, bystanders claim to have heard him utter “oops” as he placed his fingers over his lips.

This is a breaking story and we’ll have updates as the story unfolds.

December 23, 2009

Was Jesus An Alien From Outer Space?

by Ben Hoffman

The story goes: a star traveled across the sky and came to rest over Bethlehem. On that day, a virgin woman gave birth to baby Jesus.

Could it be that the witnesses to the event mistook the light in the sky for a star, but what they really saw was a flying saucer — a UFO? Could it be that the martians impregnated Mary with a seed from another world and Jesus was the son of an alien? It goes without saying that the martians were here illegally and therefore Jesus was the child of an illegal alien.

The story also claims Jesus rose from the dead three days after his crucifixion. It is very possible that he was never dead but instead was waiting for the mother ship to rescue him from his insane followers. On that third day, Jesus probably gathered his belongings and got aboard the space ship and traveled to perhaps another galaxy.

On Christmas, it could very well be that Christians around the world are celebrating, not a messiah, but an invasion from outer space. Check out this mosaic of Jesus:

What is that thing around his head? It could very well be a parabolic dish antenna that Jesus used to communicate with the mother ship. Check out this photo of Jesus entering the ship:

The photo clearly shows Jesus entering the bow of what appears to be an opening in the space ship.

And then we have the Shroud of Turin, which some believe shows the face of Jesus at the time of his burial:

Shroud of Turin