Archive for ‘Parody’

June 18, 2011

RepubliCorp Anthem: “We Will Own You!”

by Ben Hoffman
June 3, 2011

Right-Wingers Not At Risk For Cancer Caused By Cellphone Use

by Ben Hoffman

Crazy Right-Winger

Mobile phones may cause brain cancer in humans, a World Health Organization agency said, citing a review of studies.

Exposure to radiofrequency electromagnetic fields from handsets is greater than that from phone towers and base stations, Robert Baan, the senior scientist in charge of the International Agency for Research on Cancer report on the subject, said on a conference call with reporters. The fields are “possibly” carcinogenic, the same category as diesel fuel, chloroform and working as a firefighter, according to the IARC, based in Lyon, France, which classifies cancer risks.

But right-wingers seem to have a built-in immunity. Their think sculls that prevent information and facts from reaching their brains, also keeps the dangerous radio-waves from permeating.

Studies have shown that right-wingers have extremely small brains, which also helps protect them from cancer causing radio waves. Their neocortex — the part of the brain responsible for logic — is practically non-existent. The limbic system — the part of the brain responsible for emotion — is over-sized in right-wingers, which explains why they are so overly emotional and tend to believe in supernatural beings such as God, Jesus Christ, heaven and hell, and the tooth fairy.

While right-wingers have extremely small brains, they have normal sized sculls. Their brains are offset from the skull — often by an inch or more — which, along with their thick sculls, gives them additional protection from cellphone electromagnetic fields. The offset is padded with a swiss cheese like substance.

Note: This post is a parody.

June 1, 2011

Republicans Call On Obama To Show Some Leadership And Do It Their Way

by Ben Hoffman

“We are willing to work with Obama and the Democrats if they will just agree to do it our way,” said Paul Ryan (R-Wi) in reference to the debt ceiling debate.

“Let’s look at the difference in records,” he continued. “We had budget surpluses and a healthy economy under the Bush administration. Because of the policies of Barack Obama and the Democrats, the economy collapsed and the federal debt exploded. Obviously, their policies don’t work.”

Paul Ryan then swallowed another pill of unknown content, but it was suspected of being a strong halucinigetic.

The Paul Ryan plan will cut government spending, which will inevitably result in massive layoffs, take money out of the economy, and increase payouts for unemployment benefits.

To compensate, Republicans will cut payouts for unemployment benefits. They will also make it illegal to be unemployed, which will stimulate hiring at in the Prison Industrial Complex (PIC), since the unemployed will be imprisoned.

“It’s a win-win for everyone,” Ryan said. “The lazy unemployed will have free room and board in our prisons. Private prisons will thrive, which will stimulate our economy.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said that he has instructed his members to hold steady on preserving the Bush tax cuts for the middle class and more affluent taxpayers, saying “it’s counterintuitive to believe you’re going to raise taxes on certain entities and individuals you’re expecting to create jobs.”

Eric Cantor is a big proponent of Reaganomics or “trickle-down” economics. The theory goes: if you cut taxes for the wealthy, out of the goodness of their hearts, they will create jobs, even if they don’t need to hire anyone and even if they can get cheaper labor in China.

Cantor was suspected of taking the same medication as Ryan.

Note: This post is a parody.

May 30, 2011

Eric Cantor: “Help for Tornado Victims Needs to be Balanced With Tax Cuts for the Wealthy”

by Ben Hoffman

On Sunday, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) reiterated his position that disaster relief funds for the tornado victims in Joplin, Missouri must be balanced with tax cuts for the wealthy,” Cantor said on CBS’ Face the Nation.

“We live in a country where everyone is equal,” Cantor said. “We are all going through tough times and we should not be singling out people just because their lives have been decimated by an act of nature. If we’re going to hand over 100s of thousands of dollars to tornado victims, that needs to be offset by more tax cuts for the wealthy. It’s only fair.”

The House Republican leader is the first to push for tax cuts for the wealthy as a stimulation for aid related to the disaster that has already claimed over 100 lives. Democrats slammed the Republican leader, saying it amounted to “ransom.”

Rep. Billy Long, who represents the district impacted by the disaster, said Tuesday that he is pushing for federal emergency funding.

“Shock and disbelief best describe the reports from those fortunate enough to have survived the tornado in Joplin,” Mr. Long said in statement after touring the disaster area. “It is comforting to see the strong response from our local, state, and federal authorities and to see the surrounding communities come together and offer assistance during this difficult time.”

Right-wingers responded to Long’s comments with claims of “socialism” and warnings of “big government.”

“It’s time we got rid of the nanny-state,” ranted one right-winger who wasn’t affected by the tornadoes.

Note: This post is a parody.

May 29, 2011

Right-winger arrested for masturbating on a plane

by Ben Hoffman

A Florida man faces a $5,000 fine after he allegedly masturbated on a United Airlines flight late last week while shocked passengers looked on in disbelief.

According to reports, 25-year-old Kyle Pierce was taken into custody shortly after United Airlines Flight 340 touched down in Denver on May 19. The flight flew in from Spokane, Washington.

A teenage passenger sitting next to Pierce first alerted flight attendants after she witnessed the unsettling scene unfold before her eyes.

“I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” the 18-year-old woman told investigators, according to the criminal complaint. “He was holding up a picture of Ronald Reagan with one hand and masturbating with his other. His penis was very small.”

Studies have shown that right-wingers have smaller than average penises.

Pierce was taken into custody immediately after landing.

“I was flipping through a magazine and came across an article on Ronald Reagan,” Pierce explained. “They had a picture of him wearing a cowboy hat. I just couldn’t help myself.”

Right-wingers around the country rallied to his defense. Several groups have organized a “Free Kyle” campaign and are expected to protest at some of the Memorial Day celebrations.

Note: This post is a parody.

May 26, 2011

Judge finds right-wingers unfit to vote

by Ben Hoffman

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A federal judge ruled Wednesday that right-wingers are not mentally competent to vote, affirming accusations of sane people around the country.

The ruling by Judge Harry A. Jefferson of Federal District Court dramatically changes the political landscape in America.

Before the judge’s decision, right-wingers disrupted the hearing with outbursts about socialism, communism, and fascism that seemed to have no contextual relevance. It was found that most of them didn’t know what those words meant. That prompted deputy marshals to order the right-wingers out of the courtroom. Several complained that their First Ammendment Rights were being violated.

It remains possible, legal experts said, that prohibiting right-wingers from voting could have Constitutional issues. “Our goal has always been and always will be allow all sane people to vote,” said Benny K. Mount, a United States attorney, speaking to reporters outside the courthouse. “Allowing insane right-wingers the right to vote, however, is not what our founding fathers had in mind for our country.”

Right-wingers looked haggard and confused after the decision. “The judge is obviously a Marxist,” commented one. “Sarah Palin will save us. She’s really smart,” remarked another. “Where is the Denny’s,” asked another.

Note: This post is a parody.