Archive for ‘Humor’

September 30, 2011

Anthony Bologna (aka Tony Baloney) – Wall Street Pepper Spray Incident

by Ben Hoffman

Watch video here.

Hopefully his co-workers are making his life hell. 🙂

September 29, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage

by Ben Hoffman

WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, Republicans of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who has emerged as spokesman for the right-wing extremist group, informed FBI negotiators this morning that the ransom was to be placed in stainless-steel suitcases and left on the Capitol steps by 4 p.m. sharp. If their demands are not met in full, the 11-term representative announced, “all the kids will die.”

“Bring us the money and we let the children go, simple as that,” said Boehner, appearing in the East Portico with a serrated switchblade held to one of the fourth-grader’s throats. “If you want to play games and stall for extra time, we’re going to shoot one kid an hour, starting with little Dillon here.”

“Tick tock,” he added, vanishing back into the building with the terrified child in tow.

Arlington gun shop confirms Rep. Eric Cantor bought 6 semi-automatic handguns, 3 rifles & 600 clips of ammo last month.

Read more…

September 18, 2011

Richard Pryor as the 40th President of the United States (before political correctness ruined comedy)

by Ben Hoffman

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yssYKoZRQRs]

September 14, 2011

The Broncos/Raiders Game Analysis (If football was analysed the way right-wingers analyze politics)

by Ben Hoffman

The Broncos played the Raiders on Monday night and horrible is the only word that could be used to describe the Raiders. Or maybe awful. They really stunk up Sports Authority Field in Denver and the stench still lingers.

As with any bad team, penalties hurt the Raiders. They were penalized 15 times for 131 yards.

Raiders quarterback Jacoby Ford couldn’t seem to hold onto the ball. Broncos pass-rusher Von Miller speared the football out of Ford’s arms and strong safety Rahim Moore scooped it up at the Raiders 15. The Broncos scored easily, rubbing salt into the Raider’s wounds.

The Broncos delivered in all areas of the game. A Colquitt punt traveled 65 yards and was downed at the Raider’s 1 yard line, leaving the Raiders in dire straits.

Sebastian Janikowski, who is normally reliable for the Raiders, barely made a routine 63 yard kick.

The Raiders are truly a horrible team and they probably won’t want to show their faces in Denver again any time soon.

The final score was Broncos 20, Raiders 23.

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August 23, 2011

God Sends Message: “Get Your Sh*t Together!”

by Ben Hoffman

God generated an earthquake today and damaged part of the National Cathedral to serve as a warning for religious nuts to “get your sh*t together and stop destroying America in the name of religion.”

A spokesman for Washington National Cathedral says at least three of the four pinnacles on the central tower have fallen off and the central tower appears to be leaning.

God said he disproves of all the nut-jobs who are running in the Republican primaries. “That Rick Perry is going straight to hell. I haven’t made my mind up about that Bachmann character and need to consider her sanity before making a final decision, but it’s not looking good for her,” God said in an interview early this afternoon. “I can’t believe I created people so stupid they would vote for these crazy f*cks. Maybe it’s time for another flood.”

August 15, 2011

Michelle Bachmann Demonstrates One Of Her “Special” Talents

by Ben Hoffman

She’s going to need to be doing a lot of that if she wants any sane people to vote for her. (I wonder if Marcus taught her how to do that. 🙂 )

August 5, 2011

Morality in America: Jesus vs. the Devil

by Ben Hoffman
July 31, 2011

GOP Motivational Film

by Ben Hoffman
July 19, 2011

Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene

by Ben Hoffman

It could be from inbreeding.

July 15, 2011

Jon Stewart Gets Help From Jerry Seinfeld With ‘Comedy Repression Therapy’ (VIDEO)

by Ben Hoffman

“That’s Michele Bachmann’s husband? Is he teaching people not to be gay or is he like the ‘Green Mile’ guy, just absorbing it all?”
~ Jon Stewart

Watch

July 4, 2011

A Tea Party Independence Day

by Ben Hoffman
June 28, 2011

In Major Gaffe, Bachmann Confuses Ass, Hole in Ground

by Ben Hoffman

ARIZONA (The Borowitz Report) – In a fledgling campaign that has already produced more than its share of gaffes, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) today confused her ass with a hole in the ground during a campaign swing through Arizona.

Speaking to a group of supporters in Phoenix, Rep. Bachmann raised eyebrows when she said, “It’s great to be here in Arizona, the home of my ass.”

After her comment was greeted with confused murmurs from the crowd, Rep. Bachmann quickly added, “Oh wait, did I say my ass? I meant the Grand Canyon.”

Being unable to tell her ass from a hole in the ground, especially a prominent one such as the Grand Canyon, is only one of many challenges facing Rep. Bachmann in her quest for the Presidency, according to political science professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota.

“Michele Bachmann is a staunch believer in the theory of Intelligent Design,” he said. “However, Intelligent Design cannot explain Michele Bachmann.”

But Dr. Logsdon added that Rep. Bachmann remains an attractive candidate, especially for those Republican voters who find former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin “too cerebral.”

“When Sarah Palin looks at Michele Bachmann, she must feel the way the Jonas Brothers feel about Justin Bieber,” he said.

In other political news, GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said today that “marriage must be defined as the union between a man, a woman, and the man’s staff member at the time.”

The Borowitz Report

June 25, 2011

The Tea Party Recruitment Song

by Ben Hoffman
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June 23, 2011

John McCain: “Illegal Aliens Broke Into My House And Hid My Remote In The Freezer”

by Ben Hoffman

Sen. McCain claimed last week that illegal immigrants had started the wildfires still raging across Arizona, an assertion that has since been debunked. He now claims that Mexicans were breaking into his home to steal his glasses, knock over his trash cans and, most insidiously, hide his remote control. Read more…

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June 22, 2011

Newt Gingrich Lies About Being A Professor

by Ben Hoffman

From Gingrich’s website: “He is also the longest-serving teacher of the Joint War Fighting course for Major Generals and taught officers from all five services as a Distinguished Visiting Scholar and Professor at the National Defense University.” Before Gingrich entered politics, he taught at West Georgia College, but he has never been a professor at the NDU. The school’s president some time ago honored this volunteer work and issued Gingrich with the honorary title of “Distinguished Visiting Professor” and presented him with a certificate. Read more…

newt [noot, nyoot] n. a stupid person; a dull and uninteresting person. : Don’t act like such a newt. Source