BREAKING NEWS: Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage

by Ben Hoffman

WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, Republicans of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who has emerged as spokesman for the right-wing extremist group, informed FBI negotiators this morning that the ransom was to be placed in stainless-steel suitcases and left on the Capitol steps by 4 p.m. sharp. If their demands are not met in full, the 11-term representative announced, “all the kids will die.”

“Bring us the money and we let the children go, simple as that,” said Boehner, appearing in the East Portico with a serrated switchblade held to one of the fourth-grader’s throats. “If you want to play games and stall for extra time, we’re going to shoot one kid an hour, starting with little Dillon here.”

“Tick tock,” he added, vanishing back into the building with the terrified child in tow.

Arlington gun shop confirms Rep. Eric Cantor bought 6 semi-automatic handguns, 3 rifles & 600 clips of ammo last month.

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