God Sends Message: “Get Your Sh*t Together!”

by Ben Hoffman

God generated an earthquake today and damaged part of the National Cathedral to serve as a warning for religious nuts to “get your sh*t together and stop destroying America in the name of religion.”

A spokesman for Washington National Cathedral says at least three of the four pinnacles on the central tower have fallen off and the central tower appears to be leaning.

God said he disproves of all the nut-jobs who are running in the Republican primaries. “That Rick Perry is going straight to hell. I haven’t made my mind up about that Bachmann character and need to consider her sanity before making a final decision, but it’s not looking good for her,” God said in an interview early this afternoon. “I can’t believe I created people so stupid they would vote for these crazy f*cks. Maybe it’s time for another flood.”

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23 Responses to “God Sends Message: “Get Your Sh*t Together!””

  1. Was God telling the Ice Cream parlor that was damaged by earthquake, to stop charging extra for nuts? What about the dog pound, the Chevy dealer and the Starbucks? It’s kinda silly pointed out a church catching Gods wrath when many others buildings were damaged as well. “Kindergarten Logic” at its best, Ben.

  2. Dude, I’m entitled to use the bloggers play on God. You inserted the God you believe to be a fairy-tale into your warning to us “religious nuts”.
    By the way, God is another word for Creator (“not a bearded white guy in the sky”). The force, energy, science or whatever you like to call it, created this perfect scenario for life. even if you want to call all this an accident, a Creator caused the accident (The Big Bang), just as you wreck your car, someone had to hit the gas. The Creator is bigger than the Bible can describe to us puny humans.
    Yours truly,
    A recovering God cynic, Liberal, and Jack Daniels devotee

    • You see Seaky One, Ben is of the mind set that humans evolved from something else; like monkeys, etc. You know something of lesser intelligence … monkeys evolved into liberals.
      Believing in that is the epitomy of ignorance. I will give to those on the left, they’re intelligence or lack thereof is the strongest argument for evolution. That point alone almost has me convinced! 😉

    • even if you want to call all this an accident, a Creator caused the accident (The Big Bang),

      Citation needed.

      The Creator is bigger than the Bible can describe to us puny humans.

      Hate humanity much? Admittedly, grovelling to the sky daddy can stunt the love for your fellow human beings, not to mention rational thought, but citing the bible as your source? Really? The best the omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient, supremely perfect being can do is give us his wisdom through the fevered writings of the semi-literate some 2000 years ago?

      Amazing what people still believe in the 21st century.

      • Arbourist, you want cited sources to believe a force bigger than anything you can imagine created all that is, but you believe we evolved from a micro-organism from the sea, with no citations, only theories.
        If you’re going to respond, at least read and understand me, I wrote, “not a bearded white guy in the sky” but you still have me groveling to a “sky daddy”.
        And you obviously didn’t understand my “puny humans” comment, but let me break it down for you. The greatness of The Creator is so beyond our understanding, the Bible had to be written similar to how we learn 2+2=4 before we can learn to define E=mc2, our brains can’t handle ideas beyond our reach.
        You see my omnipresent, omnipotent Creator works every day, you just choose to ignore and not believe. The air you breathe was given to you, the plants that grow in order to feed, the intricate details of your body works with perfect precision, the world you live on sits perfectly beyond the life-giving sun’s rays, earth floats in never-ending space in unison with all we don’t know. I know it’s hard to believe what you can’t see, but you can see!
        It’s amazing you have been given so much but believe in nothing.

      • All one needs to do is study human anatomy to be convinced that there is no way it was done by “intelligent” design. Why would “God” have given us a gall bladder when it serves no useful purpose? Or how about wisdom teeth, or nipples on men, or how about sinuses? Have you ever looked at the design of our sinuses? It’s insane! Maybe God was drunk when he designed them.

  3. Steve,

    Humans are the only creatures who believe in God. All lower animals are Atheists. Hence Atheists are evolving backwards .

  4. Mr. Hoffman,

    I cannot resist asking this . How do you know what a dog believes in ?

    • Well, from observing my dog, she seems to be afraid of things she doesn’t understand, like thunder and fireworks. I can only assume she created gods to explain it, just like people did thousands of years ago to explain things they didn’t understand. It amazes me that people still believe in those fairy tails.

  5. What Liberals (and Mr. Hoffman is a great example of your “all knowing” “open-minded” Leftist) is that they are so confident by virtue of their non-belief in God that they are above ones who do believe in God. We are told these enlightened Liberals are far more intelligent b/c they simply don’t believe in God, they actually believe the creation of earth & the universe happened out of pure accident (the big bang theory) & that all living life evolved for billions of years into their current form.

    However, there is zero proof any species “evolved” into some super animal or insect. Mosquitoes are the same today as they were millions of years ago. Huh weird.
    Oh but us Conservatives, we’re the childish one….

    • We are told these enlightened Liberals are far more intelligent b/c they simply don’t believe in God

      Excellent construction of a straw man to burn down. Full marks. Anyhow, ‘liberals’ (or really anyone you seem to disagree with) are not a solid unitary block. What can be said of many people who you would describe as ‘liberal’ is that they require evidence to back up assertions. Factual proof, which many from the religiously deluded set assiduously avoid to maintain their magic stories, is looked on with disgust and disdain…see below..

      they actually believe the creation of earth & the universe happened out of pure accident (the big bang theory) & that all living life evolved for billions of years into their current form.

      The evidence points to the big bang theory. Watch and learn, or don’t. I’m not here to rescue you from your ignorance.

      However, there is zero proof any species “evolved” into some super animal or insect. Mosquitoes are the same today as they were millions of years ago. Huh weird.

      It is really sad to see such a misinformed view of evolution and what it is actually for and what it does. The link to scienceblogs probably covers your misconceptions, but if not, wikipedia is also available to address your claims.

      Oh but us Conservatives, we’re the childish one….

      Ignorance and intellectually stunted, for sure, but certainly not childish.

      • Ignorance and intellectually stunted, for sure, but certainly not childish.

        Children learn science in school. As adults, we should get our facts from the Bible. 🙂

  6. The Creator is so beyond our understanding, the Bible had to be written similar to how we learn 2+2=4 before we can learn to define E=mc2, our brains can’t handle ideas beyond our reach.

    There is no need for a creator. And no need for grovelling before him.

    You see my omnipresent, omnipotent Creator works every day, you just choose to ignore and not believe.

    I would rather know than merely believe anything. The problem with your assertion is that there is no evidence that such a magical schema exists. Just because you would like it to exist or it makes you feel warm and snuggly at night when it is dark does not mean it exists or even if it is necessary.

    It’s amazing you have been given so much but believe in nothing.

    Unsubstantiated arguments from incredulity are not worth much when discussing cosmology or any other topic really. So, incredulity aside lets being with a working model or proof of concept of “something from nothing”. It is happening all around you, all the time, in every corner of this particular universes space time.

    Now, with that established, lets transition up a level to the Big Bang. With the context that yes, indeed, you can have something from nothing.

    And voila, no need for a theist or deist interpretation of the beginning of time. Of course, both videos heavily gloss over the related mathematics and physics but both in laypersons terms adequately describe how this universe we happen to inhabit could have come from “nothing” with no need for magic and mythology to hide the gaps in our ignorance.

    • I’m trying not to call you an idiot, but you make it hard! I don’t care what you’re getting from other Christians; I, me, myself believe God and science are booth one of the same, “The Creator”. I keep communicating this but you are stuck on replay of what you’ve programmed yourself to tell Christians.

      You believe yourself to be so wise but you show me videos of nothing more than theories, guesses, and more questions than answers. Your mumbo jumbo is regurgitated rubbish, nothing more. I got videos with theories too, but I don’t feel the need to waste 25 minutes of anybodies time, thanks for the time loss, I can’t get back!

      But I do see, you do believe in a God, “Science”. Science is your creator; you are closer to believing in a Creator than you think. I enjoy the debate and I’m sure your big brain will have you shoot me down with some deep unproven wisdom, but keep that theory to yourself.

      • I, me, myself believe God and science are booth one of the same, “The Creator”.

        Nah, I’m just lumping you in with people who believe in delusional bullshit, nothing you’ve said has proven otherwise.

        You believe yourself to be so wise but you show me videos of nothing more than theories, guesses, and more questions than answers. Your mumbo jumbo is regurgitated rubbish, nothing more.

        Let me translate that for you, I’m either not educated enough to understand, or I’ve made up my mind already despite the great deal of evidence already provided and still have to say no based on….? Yah…based on nothing.

        I enjoy the debate and I’m sure your big brain will have you shoot me down with some deep unproven wisdom, but keep that theory to yourself.

        You see, in a debate, you would show how my points were wrong by bringing your evidence to the table and showing how it is a better, closer representation of reality. Let’s see what you bring back to back up your point of view….

        “so wise but you show me videos of nothing more than theories, guesses, and more questions than answers. Your mumbo jumbo is regurgitated rubbish, nothing more”.

        Oh, just saying words and not actually replying to any of the points raised. Oh and it nice to see you still do not understand what a theory is as you continue to abuse the word and its meaning. So lets not call this a debate, this is me coming to the table with facts, and you sticking your fingers in your ears going “LALALA….unproven theories…..LALALA…guesses….et cetera”.

        So, if you think Evolution is crock, that is your right, if you think that something cannot come from nothing, that is your right. It’s also your right be horribly, horribly, wrong (at least based on current knowledge). Enjoy that. But do not expect a warm welcome from people who do take the time to educate themselves and know at least some of the basics when it comes to cosmology, abiogenesis, and evolution when you are spouting your nonsensical, baseless, assertions.

  7. Arbourist, you want cited sources to believe a force bigger than anything you can imagine created all that is, but you believe we evolved from a micro-organism from the sea, with no citations, only theories.

    Are you kidding me? Do you know what a scientific theory is? Lets begin by disabusing you of your notion of what a theory is and showing what a theory actually is.

    Okay? Good? If so, lets continue to evolution proper.

    So yes, factually, we did evolve from less complex organisms. Your skepticism is misplaced as demonstrated by your casual treatment of evolution, despite the mountainous evidence (Where can you find it? Pull up Google Scholar, type in Evolution and pick ANY article from the results, almost all will support and contribute to the evidence and factual nature of evolution) for it, and your insistence in belief of the supernatural to do the things you don’t understand.

    Hiding ignorance with belief in the supernatural is nothing new, it works for a lot of people. But do not expect to be taken seriously when you spout your unsubstantiated irrational beliefs in a public forum.

  8. UsneakydevilU : Landing here is like entering the Twilight Zone! What weird creatures these liberals are.

    Translation: I cannot participate reasonably in a debate or make a rational argument so I’ll be insulting instead.

    Unless of course you are flouncing, and in that case, good riddance. 🙂

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