Russian Mafiya Hacks Santa’s GPS: Gifts Delivered To Jews

by Ben Hoffman

In perhaps their most vile act of sabotage to date, Russian programmers hacked into Santa Claus’ GPS navigation system and altered his delivery list, toggling addresses from false to true. While some of those excluded from delivery were merely those deemed “naughty” (as apposed to nice), the bulk of those whose status was altered were Jews.

As a result of the hacking, 100s of thousands of gifts were mistakenly delivered to the homes of Jews. Jews have been banned from receiving gifts from Santa Claus on Christmas day for centuries. Today’s breach of protocol has shocked the Catholic church especially. At the Pope’s concert at the Vatican last night, a woman, in a fit of panic over the incident, jumped over a barricade and lunged at the Pope, knocking him over. The woman, identified as Susanna Maiolo, had been a Pope fan for several years and was seated in the front row.

The Pope, who is usually calm and composed, lost his temper and hollered “You stupid bitch!” As security wrestled Maiolo away, the Pope kicked her leg, just above the ankle, and threw his cross at her. He then raised his right arm and barked “Heil Hitler!” Quickly composing himself, bystanders claim to have heard him utter “oops” as he placed his fingers over his lips.

This is a breaking story and we’ll have updates as the story unfolds.

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One Comment to “Russian Mafiya Hacks Santa’s GPS: Gifts Delivered To Jews”

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